35 Lessons for 35 Years

I turn 35 today. That could make me middle-aged. Granted, anyone could be middle-aged in the sense that a 15-year-old could be hit by a bus when they are 29. But being 35 is different. If someone dies when they are 70, no one says, “My God — he was just a kid!”

I’m sure I have a lot of flaws as a commentator, but one thing I generally don’t do is tell people how to live their life. That’s because I’m never sure how to live my own. You don’t want to take too much advice on dentistry from someone who has lost a bunch of teeth.

Still, over the course of 35 years, I’ve learned a few things — largely from my own mistakes. Humbly, then, I submit 35 of them. Perhaps one or two will be worth remembering.

1. Drink water between drinking alcohol and going to sleep. Then drink more water.

2. Don’t avoidably miss a chance to speak to loved ones. They won’t be there forever — and neither will you!

3. Do your best to look good while you still can. You can stop washing your hair when you lose it.

4. Read people first hand. Don’t depend on anybody else’s account.

5. Don’t judge people solely by their tastes and opinions. Individuals are more than archetypes.

6. Short-term pain can mean long-term gratification. But if your back hurts in the gym, stop lifting.

7. Respect your parents’ right to have a good time. Don’t complain too much if you have to climb a mountain with them.

8. Don’t let a small job become a bigger job. Alas, that document isn’t going to sign and send itself.

9. Don’t miss out on a sunny day. Or a snowy day!

10. If light fixtures are behaving oddly, call an electrician.

11. Write every day. Yeah, yeah, I know you’ve heard it 10,000 times before.

12. Take care of the people you care about.

13. Three episodes of a series you’re not enjoying is enough.

14. No one is going to be blown away by your knowledge of a musical subgenre. Even — even — if it’s midwest emo.

15. Don’t be a burden to avoid being burdened.

16. Drink water between drinking alcohol and going to sleep. No, really.

17. Cut too many corners and you’ll get lost.

18. Stop watching Twin Peaks after Laura’s killer is exposed.

19. A great friend is worth 50 acquaintances.

20. No money is worth your pride. Though you can compromise to support the things you’re proud of.

22. Put yourself in situations where fun, interesting and beautiful things might happen. They might not. But they might!

23. You are almost certainly not exceptional, but perhaps you can do or make something exceptional.

The author, a few years ago

24. Try not to be earnest for more than half a day. Unless you’re a detective investigating child murder.

25. Tell unfashionable truths, but also tell fashionable truths if they are true, and don’t make unfashionable claims if they are untrue.

26. Check that you turned off the gas. Now.

27. Don’t get too emotional about a news story you’ll forget overnight. Save yourself for tomorrow’s doubtless all-important news story.

28. Practice doesn’t make perfect but it makes better.

29. Learn how to fix things. Unless it’s something that really, really needs an electrician or a dentist.

30. It doesn’t matter if people on the internet don’t like you. But …

31. Always take criticism seriously. Even people on the internet can make a good point.

32. Don’t hold anyone to higher standards of conduct than you hold yourself.

33. Drink water between drinking alcohol and going to sleep. I mean it.

34. Be honest about yourself. You can only fool people, or yourself, for so long.

35. Make time for saving children and small puppies while finding a cure for cancer.

Will I stick to these myself? Reader, I will not. Will I try? Well, I’ll try. And remember, whatever you do: drink water between drinking alcohol and going to sleep.