I’ve got an idea for a business.
Have you noticed how popular dating discourse has become? The less people seem to form relationships, the more people talk about them — in podcasts, articles, books and social media posts. You could read and listen to the dating discourse for every waking moment of your life — serenely alone.
Everybody has opinions on how to find a partner and how to lose them. Well, as an industrious opinion columnist I want a piece of the action. But I don’t just want to talk for once. I want to do something.
You see, I’ve found a gap in the market. There is endless advice on what to avoid and what to look out for. But what should we do with all this data? How we can get more — systematic?
That’s where we come in.
I’m going to set up a website: “RedFlags.com”. (Does someone own that domain? Never mind, I’ll buy it from them.)
Here’s how it works. If you’re dating someone — or interested in dating them — you can visit the site and answer questions about them. What is their appearance (hair, clothes, tattoos, weight et cetera)? What is their dating history? How is their family life? What about their politics? How are they in person? What music do they listen to? Mental illnesses? You get the picture.
You’ve got to pay for the results. This is a business after all. I’ll keep the price reasonable. £9.99? You’ll pay more on the first round of drinks on a date. It could save you a lot more.
So, my code will analyse your answers and tell you about your girl or guy. It will give you a complete profile — detailing all their potential flaws if not pathologies. Basically, it’s going to show you all of their red flags.
Tattoos? Crazy. Clean-cut? Dull. A long dating history? Run through. No dating history? There must be something wrong with them. Talkative? Controlling. Quiet? Possible psychopath. Left-wing? Forget it. Right-wing? Forget it.
Sure, you might think I don’t have enough information. Someone with a bad relationship with their parents, say, might come from a terrible home. But they might just be difficult. Are you prepared to take that risk?
Perhaps there is something to be said for the mysterious emotional enlightenment of organic interaction. But that’s also how people get fooled. You don’t want to be a fool, do you? Do you?
With RedFlags.com you can avoid heartbreak, embarrassment and expense by getting all the reasons you need to gracefully ghost someone before you end up in a toxic relationship. We live in a time that places far too much emphasis on connecting people and stepping out of one’s comfort zone — and someone has to make the case for distance and suspicion. You can trust us, because we are objective and not biased by knowing or caring about you.
Now, you might have noticed that the website only offers negative responses. Well, this is a business. We could tell you that your budding relationship has potential. But then what? You might like them. Get with them. Marry them. Have kids with them. Even if it’s a small chance, it’s a chance.
And where does that leave RedFlags.com?
Again, this is a business, and a business needs regular clients. Sorry — but we can’t monetise happiness, can we?
OK, say I'm a divorce lawyer. Lawyers need clients, and the longer the term, the better, if you can keep them fighting for 30 years, the more money you get. I clerked at a law firm in law school, and the firm had a number of clients like this - one was in his 80s and both he and his ex-wife got bankrupted by the legal fees, no inheritance for the kids, the lawyers got it all... OK, so you have BlueFlag.com, and the trick is, is that you match *incompatible* people. 50% of marriages wind up in divorce court, so what's wrong with improving the odds? Besides, understanding either side of a divorcing couple is easy, since they both have three words in their vocabulary: Gimme!, Mine!, and NO! Essentially, you're dealing with three-year-olds in adult bodies, but at least they have money. The trouble is, is that they're never satisfied, and if you don't feed their insanity, they'll come after you, as happened to a friend of mine. Career criminals and actual, real life crazy people are *so* much easier to deal with...
The biz plan is bad.
If you are considering using rf.com, there's your sign.